"Rules of Engagement"
I would like to thank the Eastern Wild Turkey delegation for attending this important summit to review the existing rules of engagement for tactical operations between us, and to address some recent incidents which have been the cause of great concern.
I have received the turkeys’ most recent – and quite sardonic, might I add – suggestion that I surrender; like in years past, I reject the terms of this offer and choose instead to press on, regardless how hopeless my situation may appear.
For reasons too vast to enumerate, a peace between us is not attainable. Everyone in this room knows that each spring, we will resume our hostilities and maintain them until the yearly mandatory cease-fire goes into effect.
When the current conflict erupted ten years ago, there was no understanding of the manner in which skirmishes between us would be conducted. So in 2001, recognizing the anticipated longevity of our strife, we mutually adopted certain rules of engagement to which we agreed to adhere from that point forward. Since then, we two determined enemies have come to accept and rely upon certain operational boundaries intended to limit one another’s tactics to some measured degree of decency. Some examples include the following: I have agreed to not undertake any shooting before sunrise; no shooting turkeys off the limb; no use of corn, chufa or other irresistible bait to lure turkeys to the gun; and no hunting turkeys from shooting houses.
Likewise, the Easterns agreed that their gobblers would refrain from simply flying as a way to search for purported hens, and that they would, quoting now from the 2001 Accord, “endeavor to engage in an appreciable amount of gobbling from the roost at least twice every five days, but no such obligation so undertaken shall apply in any way after birds have flown to the ground.”
Our most recent series of engagements has made clear that the Easterns are not living up to their end of the bargain, and are in violation of our agreement. Here are some examples.
When the cease fire ended back in March and hostilities resumed, there was abundant gobbling, both on the roost and on the ground. Between 29 March and 16 April, however, there was absolutely no gobbling to be heard, a phenomenon which was indisputably the result of a concerted effort on the part of the gobblers to remain completely concealed in violation of the rules of engagement.
On the morning of 17 April, a most impressive gobbler – clearly a ranking officer – snuck up on me while I was finalizing preparation of a natural blind at the feet of a live oak and a magnolia atop the crest of a ridge road between two thick bottoms. This turkey silently sidled to within ten steps of my position and stopped dead in the middle of the road just to vex me. The ambush succeeded and I was immediately neutralized. To make matters worse, I had only moments before walked out of the woods after relieving myself, an act which is not considered a generally accepted method of calling up a gobbler. The longbeard in question walked up the middle of the road in front of God and everyone while I broke twigs, moved around, cleared my setup beneath the trees, brushed in my position, walked down the ridge to do my business, walked back up the ridge, and finally took back up my position to set up my ambush. Such brazen deviation from all other previously observed behavioral characteristics of turkeys not only defies reason, but also constitutes the most blatant violation of the rules of engagement to date. The manner in which the gobbler laughed as it putted and flew off after virtually sticking its head into my setup was uncalled for, too.
The gobblers’ utilization of women and children in forward positions cuts against the grain of all bounds of decency as well. On no less than half-a-dozen occasions, hens were observed being used as pickets after contact was made with suspected enemy personnel. Hens were the first to pitch down out of the trees in the mornings, and usually did so within mere yards of me. Their seemingly advance knowledge of my tactical positions was admirable, and I wish I had such intelligence capabilities. Nevertheless, hens were frequently observed well ahead of approaching gobblers which often took up positions behind the hens, thus preventing me from engaging the enemy without risking noncombatants.
Adolescent males, too, were exploited in a most ungentlemanly fashion. Despite their zeal and clear willingness – nay, eagerness – to die, jakes are mere children, and to have whipped up their passions into a frenzy such that they sprinted happily toward my gun barrel on so many occasions indicates just how dastardly the turkeys’ tactics have become.
If there can be no honor between us, no sense of fair play as we prosecute this chess match in which we are engaged, we shall risk becoming even more mired along the bad backwaters of the most despicable guerilla tactics. Should the Eastern Wild Turkeys continue with their current unashamed indifference to the rules of engagement, no guarantees can be made that one day, after much frustration and bitterness, I will not resort to using night vision goggles and a high-powered rifle to exact revenge for these transgressions or worse, employing decoys during daylight operations.
The battles between us are lopsided enough as it is. So long as I, in carrying on my Lost Cause, am willing to adhere to all traditionally accepted tactics and maneuvers, I must insist that the turkeys do the same.
(c) Roger Guilian 2009
I have received the turkeys’ most recent – and quite sardonic, might I add – suggestion that I surrender; like in years past, I reject the terms of this offer and choose instead to press on, regardless how hopeless my situation may appear.
For reasons too vast to enumerate, a peace between us is not attainable. Everyone in this room knows that each spring, we will resume our hostilities and maintain them until the yearly mandatory cease-fire goes into effect.
When the current conflict erupted ten years ago, there was no understanding of the manner in which skirmishes between us would be conducted. So in 2001, recognizing the anticipated longevity of our strife, we mutually adopted certain rules of engagement to which we agreed to adhere from that point forward. Since then, we two determined enemies have come to accept and rely upon certain operational boundaries intended to limit one another’s tactics to some measured degree of decency. Some examples include the following: I have agreed to not undertake any shooting before sunrise; no shooting turkeys off the limb; no use of corn, chufa or other irresistible bait to lure turkeys to the gun; and no hunting turkeys from shooting houses.
Likewise, the Easterns agreed that their gobblers would refrain from simply flying as a way to search for purported hens, and that they would, quoting now from the 2001 Accord, “endeavor to engage in an appreciable amount of gobbling from the roost at least twice every five days, but no such obligation so undertaken shall apply in any way after birds have flown to the ground.”
Our most recent series of engagements has made clear that the Easterns are not living up to their end of the bargain, and are in violation of our agreement. Here are some examples.
When the cease fire ended back in March and hostilities resumed, there was abundant gobbling, both on the roost and on the ground. Between 29 March and 16 April, however, there was absolutely no gobbling to be heard, a phenomenon which was indisputably the result of a concerted effort on the part of the gobblers to remain completely concealed in violation of the rules of engagement.
On the morning of 17 April, a most impressive gobbler – clearly a ranking officer – snuck up on me while I was finalizing preparation of a natural blind at the feet of a live oak and a magnolia atop the crest of a ridge road between two thick bottoms. This turkey silently sidled to within ten steps of my position and stopped dead in the middle of the road just to vex me. The ambush succeeded and I was immediately neutralized. To make matters worse, I had only moments before walked out of the woods after relieving myself, an act which is not considered a generally accepted method of calling up a gobbler. The longbeard in question walked up the middle of the road in front of God and everyone while I broke twigs, moved around, cleared my setup beneath the trees, brushed in my position, walked down the ridge to do my business, walked back up the ridge, and finally took back up my position to set up my ambush. Such brazen deviation from all other previously observed behavioral characteristics of turkeys not only defies reason, but also constitutes the most blatant violation of the rules of engagement to date. The manner in which the gobbler laughed as it putted and flew off after virtually sticking its head into my setup was uncalled for, too.
The gobblers’ utilization of women and children in forward positions cuts against the grain of all bounds of decency as well. On no less than half-a-dozen occasions, hens were observed being used as pickets after contact was made with suspected enemy personnel. Hens were the first to pitch down out of the trees in the mornings, and usually did so within mere yards of me. Their seemingly advance knowledge of my tactical positions was admirable, and I wish I had such intelligence capabilities. Nevertheless, hens were frequently observed well ahead of approaching gobblers which often took up positions behind the hens, thus preventing me from engaging the enemy without risking noncombatants.
Adolescent males, too, were exploited in a most ungentlemanly fashion. Despite their zeal and clear willingness – nay, eagerness – to die, jakes are mere children, and to have whipped up their passions into a frenzy such that they sprinted happily toward my gun barrel on so many occasions indicates just how dastardly the turkeys’ tactics have become.
If there can be no honor between us, no sense of fair play as we prosecute this chess match in which we are engaged, we shall risk becoming even more mired along the bad backwaters of the most despicable guerilla tactics. Should the Eastern Wild Turkeys continue with their current unashamed indifference to the rules of engagement, no guarantees can be made that one day, after much frustration and bitterness, I will not resort to using night vision goggles and a high-powered rifle to exact revenge for these transgressions or worse, employing decoys during daylight operations.
The battles between us are lopsided enough as it is. So long as I, in carrying on my Lost Cause, am willing to adhere to all traditionally accepted tactics and maneuvers, I must insist that the turkeys do the same.
(c) Roger Guilian 2009
posted by Days Afield Host | 1:28 PM
