"Bad Excuses"

Bad excuses are handy things to have around. Unlike a coaster, WD-40, a few dollars’ cash, or a pencil, I always seem to have a bad excuse on hand any time I need one. When it comes to the outdoors and my sporting pursuits, I seem to go through them like there’s no tomorrow. Some of the more memorable situations that called for a bad excuse in recent years went something like this.

Q. Why is that stand hung so close to the road and right out in the open instead of a hundred or so yards back in that thicket where all the deer trails zigzag back and forth?

A. Trying to get to the stand back there would be way too loud and would run everything off. This way we can sneak right in there without spooking all the deer. Mainly, I didn’t want to be environmentally insensitive by leaving orange flagging all over the place.

Q. Any particular reason you don’t know your way around the property yet? We’re halfway through deer season and you’re still asking us which are the good spots and how to get to them.

A. You see, I didn’t want to get my human scent all over the place by going up and scouting the woods all summer. By keeping the pressure off the deer in the off-season, it’ll take them that much longer to go nocturnal.

Q. You’re still hunting with your wife’s .308? When are you going to get that nice new scope sighted in on your .270?

A. I want to be sure her rifle shoots alright. Yes, I know that, of the two of us, I am the only one who’s ever missed, but still. Plus that lever action can be a little tricky. I need to make sure the shells aren’t getting hung up in the receiver. And, too, I think I read somewhere that you need to let a new scope settle for at least three months after mounting it before subjecting it to the rigors of sighting it in. I couldn’t tell you where I read that, though.

Q. How in the world did you shoot only a 43 at sporting clays last week?

A. Well, I’m shooting that .20 gauge I recently bought out of the paper, and I just haven’t found the right target load for it yet. You’d think that a classic American double would handle No. 8 lead shot without a hitch, but obviously I need to invest in some fine, Italian high brass shells. I think the whole gun might need to be looked at, to be quite honest with you. It doesn’t feel balanced when I shoulder it. It’s probably the length of pull or something. Plus those cheap target loads.

Q. How come you’re always the first one back to camp after the morning hunt?

A. The loggers keep leaving the skidder and Lowboy right across the road that goes to my stand. I’m after one specific buck in that area so I don’t want to waste a trip down there until that buck’s had time to get used to all the activity and the presence of the equipment. And, plus, this morning I thought I’d overheard Jim on the radio saying he was locked out of the camp house, and since I was the closest one, I came back to let him in. I must’ve misheard him, though, because he wasn’t here when I arrived. He’s still signed out for his stand. It’s a good thing I came back because somebody left the coffee pot on, and that’s a fire hazard. I figured since I was here, I’d get the fire going, mix a drink, turn on the game and get breakfast started for everyone.

Q. How can you turkey hunt so often and never, ever kill a turkey?

A. Well, now, that’s an essay question. The answer is really a thesis on the bird itself. Turkeys can see really, really well and they hear pretty good, too. So it’s hard to fool ‘em. They’re very wary, almost paranoid. You ain’t just going to sneak up on one. And when turkey hunting, you’re asking a gobbler to go against its natural instinct by coming to a hen instead of the other way around like Mother Nature intended. Sure, I could probably level the playing field the tiniest bit by scouting the turkeys before the season opens. And maybe I could up my chances ever so slightly by getting familiar with the land so I’ll know what a gobbler’s tendencies might be after it hits the ground; but, again, I’d hate to spoil next fall’s deer hunting for the rest of you guys by traipsing through the woods and leaving my scent everywhere.

Q. Why didn’t you take that easy double on those two quail flying straight away from you through the treetops?

A. That shot looked a little low to me. Didn’t want to risk hitting the dog.

Q. Why don’t you ever shoot any of the deer you’re always coming back and telling us you saw?

A. A lot of the time, I just don’t feel like fooling with cleaning them. Plus, I like to build a fire, mix a drink, turn the game on, and get dinner started for you guys.

Feel free to incorporate any or all of these into your repertoire, although I hope you don’t need to call on them with near as much frequency as I do. If you start to run thin, don’t fret. I am constantly working on my inventory and am happy to share.



(c) Roger Guilian 2008